How to beat the bailiff in 10 easy steps

Being chased by a debt collector or bailiff can be one of the most traumatic and stressful experiences imaginable for an individual or a family.

In today’s economic climate, more and more creditors are using creditors to recover unpaid and delinquent debt.

Unlike bank bailouts, there is little fiscal intervention accessible to those who do not have the means to pay.

With the prized possession at stake, the tried and tested strategies set out below will educate the debtor in all areas of judicial evasion while significantly alleviating a significant portion of the possible applicable distress, should your possessions are under duress.

1. Temporarily remove your name from the electoral roll. The voter registry is the first place a bailiff will look to confirm that you are who they are looking for. Think of it like your telescopic sight on your forty-five magnum.

2. Change the nameplate on your property’s door and bell; This kills the scent of the hound you are looking for.

3. Do not leave any windows open, bailiffs are authorized by law to enter a property through any open or lost window. If they succeed, they are allowed to either hit you with a subpoena on the spot or, more worryingly, appraise and encumber the property for resale.

4. Close all blinds and curtains inside your home and property. If they are unable to access the internals of the property, they can look through the property windows to determine the eligibility of the internals for sale before returning for a second visit with a pickup truck.

5. If you have a motor vehicle or car, I strongly recommend that you put the car in exile in a hidden location. Similar to that witnessed by the departure of Napoleon Bonaparte to Saint Helena.

The reason you should consider this option is in case the creditor desperately tries to get the car back or take a second charge for it. This can occur in the event that the creditor or sheriff does not recover the debt through property taxes on your property.

6. Always communicate with the bailiffs by e-mail and, in doing so, copy all correspondence that you send to them through your local parliament office, senators’ office or attorney. It is important that there is a solid flow of communication gathered in case the dispute goes nuclear.

7. If bailiffs inadvertently gain access to your property, only non-essential items such as televisions and stereos can be taken by law.

One way to avoid taxing these precious consumer goods is to declare that these items are, in fact, essential goods, a daily must-have for your work as a media consultant. Get a letter from a friend’s media company to substantiate this.

8. I strongly recommend that you withdraw any savings or money you may have from your bank account during any period of prosecution.

This action will mitigate the horrendous possibility of your bank account being frozen or garnishment placed on your earnings.

Load savings onto a series of prepaid master cards for daily monetary operation.

Your employer can also load wages and salaries on these master cards.

9. Last but most importantly, the best nugget I can put it together during this period of duress is to implement the bailiff avoidance technique that I personally used as seen below.

The first thing you should know about handling bailiffs is that they are all trained in a technique called NLP or Neuro-Linguistic Programming, whereby they can read body language to interpret whether the debtor is telling them a fat man or not. Think of it as a polygraph test without the electronics.

Let me show you if I can.

Being confronted at my door with the first line of “Christopher Dorman”

The brain’s natural response is autopilot with a “Yes” response when asked to confirm your name. This is Basic Psychology 101.

If you answer yes, you will be immediately punished with a subpoena and the court will call you, or worse, the bailiffs will enter the property and determine the eligibility of your property for repossession.

In fairness, it is a natural reaction to confirm your name, but unless asked by a police officer, you are not required by law to provide such information.

Therefore, I highly recommend that you do the following.

Sheriff “Christopher Dorman”

Debtor “I’m afraid not friend, if you leave your name and number, I will forward it to your new address”

As long as you provide this answer in beautiful nuances, you avoid the collector’s wrath.

10. The only caveat in my strategy mentioned above only applies if the money is due directly to Her Majesties Inland Revenue or to the IRS in the United States. If such money is owed to the former, no bailff technique in this world will be helpful.

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