Blame: A Favorite Thinking Mistake of Chronically Hurtful People

Although most of us make mistakes in thinking or behavior from time to time, we CHPs (Chronically Harmful People) use them regularly as a matter of course. All thought/behavior errors fail to demonstrate responsible thinking, that is, thinking that includes awareness and consideration for self, other, and the context in which a transaction or behavior takes place.

One of these mistakes that has particular potential for harm is blaming. Blaming is what people do when they don’t take responsibility for their own reaction to events and responsibly pass it on to others. The one who blames feels justified by the treatment given to the guilty. Once an issue or problem is “someone else’s fault,” the accuser excuses himself from the repercussions of his own behavior. “She deserved it”, “She deserved it”, “What do you expect? It’s their fault.”

People who blame others see themselves as victims of what happens that they don’t like. In the “victim” position, one never has to see the world through the eyes of another. The person who is trapped in victim thinking sees themselves as innocent and everyone else as guilty, regardless of the circumstances. Once they justify the guilt, these people do not feel remorse or regret for what they have done after receiving some insult or injury.

The guilty may, by blaming, hurt others emotionally, mentally, or physically. They don’t care, or even think about it, as they see others as serving as punishment. Everyday examples of blaming create big or small problems for those who are blamed. Frequently, the culprits have done little (or nothing) to contribute to the problem.

Example 1: Ralph, an executive at a large company, was furious and fired his secretary because she provided him with a partial file for a meeting. This secretary had been handling her workload competently for over two years, and this was her first time. mistake.

Secretary: “I’m so sorry. I’ll make it up to you and make sure it never happens again. I know you like to have your complete file for meetings and I’ll check it every time from now on to make sure you have them.”

Ralph: “You’ve ruined my whole day. You’re a stupid, incompetent idiot. You’re very lucky I fired you and didn’t tell all the other businesses how impossible it is to work with you.”

Prior to this incident, Ralph had blamed this woman because his coffee was too hot and burned his tongue, and it didn’t remind him of his dentist appointment when it was never his job to do so.

Example 2: Georgia, a small business owner, was significantly late, now for the fourth time, for her appointment with her accountant.

Georgia: “I’m going to strangle my kids if they don’t stop fighting every time I need them to clean up their masses. It’s the stress of it all getting to me. I just have very difficult kids and they don’t appreciate me at all. No wonder I’ve arrived late “.

On another occasion she said: “The traffic around here is terrible and there is nowhere to park. Every time I park at a meter, someone crashes into me and dents my car, so I am forced to walk 3 blocks and use a parking lot.” You need to move your office if you expect me to get here.”

Again he said. “You make this financial stuff so hard to understand. My head hurts just thinking about my date, and it slows me down all the time.”

Fortunately, the accountant was aware of her and to take care of himself, he scheduled her on the days when he could afford to wait for her to show up, while he decided whether or not to keep her as a client.

Example 3: A man hired several people to work for him on a large new house that he was building. He underpaid carpenters and painters.

Painter: “He agreed to pay me $1800.00 for this job. He’s only paid us $700.00. We’re going to have to sue him or take him to small claims court if he doesn’t pay.”

Owner: “Go ahead. Too bad for you. It’s your problem that you’re not good at negotiating. I’m a busy man and I don’t have time for this nonsense. Go ahead and sue me. My lawyers will make you pay for my trouble.”

This homeowner found it exciting to get away with stealing from contractors and saw himself as their victim when they spent their valuable time trying to get paid. He considered these things his fault for not being better at business.

Example 4: Wife, crying and yelling, “Stop that. Stop hitting me. That hurts. Stop it!”

Husband: “I can’t stand this. If you didn’t overcook your veggies every damn night, I wouldn’t lose my temper. You can’t seem to handle even the simplest task. You should be glad I don’t.” divorce you You don’t understand my needs at all.

Domestic violence programs are full of spousal abusers who see themselves as victims of their spouse’s faults. Things like talking “too long” with friends on the phone, buying “too much” or making the wrong bed are enough to blame a spouse for his anger.

Example 5: Mom of a 3-year-old: “He’s such a wild boy. If he’d just listen and pay attention, I wouldn’t have to yell and spank him hard. He’s too stubborn for his own good.

Parents who are abusive and blame are often raised with guilt and anger. And if you’re not aware enough to get help, you can pass that behavior on to your children in a vicious cycle.

It may be that a legitimate flaw can be found in a situation. For example, if someone causes a car accident because they were driving drunk, texting, or putting on makeup, the accident is caused by someone. However, accident victims do not deal responsibly with the accident by jumping out of the car, hitting the at-fault driver, and believing that they are justified in doing so.

The culprits can act angry and furious, or pitiful and downtrodden, or anything in between. They are dangerous because whatever problem is at hand will never be resolved by shifting responsibility for your own feelings onto someone else.

The culprits may “earn” something, such as a promotion, wealth, political or social power, or the fearful following of family members. But blaming hurts the culprits themselves, whether they acknowledge it or not. This is particularly so with chronic blamers who do not develop healthy relationships because they do not perceive others as equals in the service of respect. They live in a self-imposed social vacuum in which they may have power, but are missing some of the most important and valuable aspects of being human, the experience of being part of safe, equal and trusting relationships.