Love at first sight: a dreamy notion

Human beings want to love and be loved. Some are more eager than others to find their “soul mate”, and the sooner the better.

Americans receive countless messages about love and romance from a young age. Fifty years ago, girls were conditioned to play with dolls and taught to focus on their appearance and finding a mate. Men were taught to be responsible and committed when the time was right. I’m not sure that much has changed. There is still this longing and emphasis to find one’s “soul mate”.

I don’t think we all have a single soul mate in our life. We can connect deeply and completely with many people throughout life. We can marry someone and have a satisfying monogamous relationship for our entire lives, but does that mean we only have one soul mate? We do not know and we cannot know. We shouldn’t know. After you get married, I do not advocate entertaining ideas of finding a soulmate if you are not happy with the current partner! The question is now irrelevant and not applicable. It does not mean that it is non-existent. I am sure that philosophizing has a term for this line of reasoning.

The novels of Danielle Steel and Nicholas Sparks will convince you that you can look someone in the eye and poof, you will have a special love that will last a lifetime. Isn’t it ironic that these two authors failed to achieve a happy, lifelong love affair with their initial partner?

I also don’t believe in love at first sight. I believe in lust at first sight. I think we experience a strong chemical or energy field with others. I believe that our intelligence is rooted in the head, the heart and the gut and that we must be attentive to those signals.

People often focus on the heart or head and physical chemistry to the exclusion of other signals, because they want a partner. They are quick to draw conclusions, ignoring the true essence of the other person because they are lonely, desperate, or wanting something for themselves. In a sense, love at first sight is usually self-centered and selfish.

How can you know the true essence of another person? I’d say this takes time. It takes hours of conversation to discover who the person is: what are their values, priorities, pains, struggles, hurts, preferences, background? Do you know his childhood story and what his parents and grandparents were like? What do you know about their difficulties and successes? What are your dreams and fears?

There is no way to know the answers to these questions just by taking a look or two and spending a day or two with a person you just met. Are you familiar with any red flags? Have you pulled out your antennas to look for red flags? Red flags include: hidden information you need to know: such as a felony, conviction, financial trouble, past childhood sexual, physical or emotional abuse, current day, or if you were an abuser. Who will admit to abusing someone else? You should interact with the person’s closest circle of friends, relatives, and acquaintances, if possible.

Other red flags that need healing, discussion, or treatment: alcoholism and substance abuse, eating disorder, addiction, pornography, abortion. Does this person make fun of others, bully others, have disdain for certain groups?

What evidence does the person show of selfishness and making sacrifices? How does the person spend their time? Are you compatible? What are some of the things you like to do together? Only? How are you going to deal with your differences?

You need to know one’s personality and character and how the two come together as a couple and form a third entity, a relationship that combines the two of them. How the hell can you tell that by looking into the eyes of an attractive person from across the room?

You need to know how one reacts to stress and trauma and how one handles changes in life. Are you familiar with the person’s history, birth order, etc.? Can you really look someone in the eye and know if he is capable of forgiveness, if he respects all human beings and what is his view of the world, how it was formed and how he practices it?

Successful relationships aren’t about navigating whether or not someone leaves the toilet seat up or how the toothpaste container is squeezed – it’s about cultivating a special, respectful, kind, and loving friendship. Through the trials and tribulations of life, happily married couples have a sense of humor and lightness in their relationship. It is a refreshing and renewing union.

Friends first, lovers later. Our culture is on the way to push you to become connecting partners first and then maybe friends later. Pursue pleasure, avoid pain, no matter what it means to have joy.

These are some of the reasons I don’t believe in love at first sight. Good chemistry, yes, but love, no.