Managing mental illness and a relationship

Quick: Raise your hand on how many wellness advocates have pushed away someone they didn’t want to hurt or burden because of what’s on their minds. Oh right, you’re there. Well, I know the sentiment is quite common because I hear it constantly. I understand where you come from. I have done it myself in the past. Today I understand that I was wrong for several reasons. There is no reason why we mentally ill people can’t have satisfying and loving relationships. The way we approach our relationships should be different from what would be considered typical.

*But I don’t want to hurt the people I love
No matter what you do, the other person is going to get hurt from time to time. Pain, hurt, and misunderstandings are normal parts of a relationship. Navigating rough waters and giving is what makes a relationship successful. Also, your partner has a brain of his own. They can decide for themselves if they feel like they are in over their heads. Of course, our challenges are different. All you’re doing is changing the flavor of those challenges by pushing them onto someone else.

* But how do we make it work then?
– The Well Partner – Learn to identify the symptoms of when your partner is not feeling well. Remember that your perception will be biased. They will say and do things based on what their mind tells them is true. Unfortunately, there are many times that we don’t realize we’re in a period of unrest until we look back at the smoldering ruins and wonder what happened. You must learn not to take to heart everything your sick partner says. When they come back into balance, it is very likely that their opinion will change completely again. Try to forge an agreement where you will handle major responsibilities while your partner is off balance.

– The Unwell Partner – Do you trust your partner? If you do, then you have a powerful tool to help you find and maintain your balance. Help them understand what their indicators are. That way you have a person you can trust to say “Hey, are you feeling sick?” instead of trying to figure it out on your own. You must understand that during your periods of discomfort, reality will not be as your brain tells you. Don’t make snap decisions and then stick to them right away. Clarify and seek the absolute truth at the center of each perception. Do this long enough and you’ll start doing it out of habit.

* Always seek the central and absolute truth of perception
One of my favorite metaphors that is applicable is the dark car. You and a friend see a dark car go by. One says “that’s a nice black car”. The other says “no, that’s navy.” The absolute central truth is that there is a car. The individual’s perception dictates whether it is black or navy and responds accordingly. Now we apply that to a life circumstance.

You are a bipolar man and you are going to pick up your wife from work. As he leaves, his wife hugs a co-worker. A sick mind can take this in several directions. “She must be cheating on me, I’m going to punch her in the face” or “She knew she would eventually leave me. I can’t deal with this shit anymore. It would be better if I were dead so she can be free.” “Both lines of thought are based on her perception of her situation.

The central and absolute truth is that she simply hugged someone. She maybe she had a baby. Maybe someone she loved died. All she has to go on is what she witnessed and how her mind perceives it. Instead of immediately reacting to thoughts of attacking or killing yourself; She goes back to the core truth and just asks about it. A poorly done thought process will seldom match what reality really is.

It’s not about making someone you love your caretaker. It is about confronting the problem together with a cohesive plan and course of action. You will have many opportunities to return that care and understanding later. When you’re well, you do what you can to lighten the load on your partner so they have time to recover. Your relationship will fail if you can’t let your partner in to understand your illness. To be successful, both parties must learn to manage a relationship with a mental illness present. You can be successful and enjoy a happy relationship.