Social Skills and Consequences: Not Just Another Word for Punishment

Let’s assume you’ve covered these first two basic steps in your behavior change program:

1. You have worked with your child to establish The Rules and why they are important. [Rules may be specifically set out poster- style guidelines or agreements, or they may be less specifically stated but understood limits and boundaries.]

2. You have worked with your child to establish the Reward System related to following the rules. [Rewards may be tangible items or the natural payoffs and pleasures related to accomplishing the business of life.]

Next, establish The Consequences. Your children need to know what will happen when do’s and don’ts What is expected. Consequences teach that for every action there is a corresponding reaction. That reaction can be of the feel-good type, and it can also be a negative one because something pleasant isn’t available. Our focus here is to look at the negative side of consequences and what it takes to get our defiant loved ones to change their behavior toward the positive and rewarding side.

The inner workings of punishments and consequences are very different. Here are the distinctions:

Punishment revolves around who has the power. Punishment encourages a fight between parents and children.

The consequences force the child to deal with the problem, instead of the parents. The power that the child has is to work on a solution.

Punishment puts all the responsibility on the parents.The father has to be present to make sure the punishment goes according to plan.

Consequences take the burden off the parents. The child learns life lessons by assuming appropriate responsibilities for the problem.

Punishment teaches a child to hide and lie. When children fear punishment and try to cover up a problem, there are additional problems that parents must manage.

With consequences, your child cannot avoid the results of his behavior. You have to take action to resolve or rectify an issue.

Example

A child leaves a homework project at the last minute.

Compared

Punishment: The father removes this week’s allowance. There is no natural relationship between school work and assignment. The money becomes a way of trying to control the child’s behavior.

Result: Your son decides which activity he will have to miss for the weekend to finish the project. Tasks and other obligations remain as usual. Parental control is not necessary, just watch to see that the child handles the problem. See how the rule and the consequence have a natural connection?

A case study: two versions

Two kids fight over a Game Boy. Mom listens to this in the other room. Mom walks in and takes the Game Boy and tries to separate the kids and send them to her room. They refuse to go. Mom screams and loses her cool. Mom then tries a different tactic, telling the kids that they will have to split the time they each have with the Game Boy, since they can’t properly share it. But she decides to separate them first and listen to each story and make a decision on who plays the Game Boy first. Nothing is resolved, the discussion continues until the mother and children are exhausted.

What happened here? Mom took responsibility, which resulted in a dead-end power struggle. The kids didn’t cooperate with her solution, they challenged her authority, she felt compelled to back off and come up with another solution and prepare for something she has to watch: who’s first, who’s second? The process took a long time as mom collected and sorted the information and after all that the problem was not solved. That was a real punishment, for mom!

Case Study: The Consequence Version

When mom hears the children fighting, she enters the room and says firmly: “STOP! You have to get along before you can get the Game Boy back. The Game Boy will stay on the kitchen table until you figure out how to share it.” That’s all!

What happened this time? Mom handled the conflict, setting a child safety rule and limits on where the Game Boy should be kept and for how long. But she has not solved the problem. That’s the children’s job. Mom leaves the scene, and the kids know the Game Boy is available when they figure out how to share it. Mom is not needed again. And the children have the opportunity to come up with a solution that will be carried out next time.

Whether it’s a toddler or a teenager, you can hand problem solving to them.