After an affair: Getting over a breakup or divorce when your partner left you for someone else

The natural reaction after receiving the news of an affair is to feel anger and rejection. Auto-negotiation takes place on “why” it happened. Then the self-probing questions begin, such as:

• What about me was not good enough for them?

• How could you throw a 15-year relationship together for someone who doesn’t even know you?

• What do I tell the children (if applicable)?

• Why would they choose someone else when all they needed was here?

Questions will invade your mind and add to your lack of confidence and sometimes you will ruminate without answers. Remember that in today’s society the grass always looks greener on the neighbor’s lawn. The perceived options of the person who had the affair are bigger in his head than the chances that the new person will also have their own luggage.

They may blame you for everything you did wrong in the relationship and make you feel guilty, but in the end it is their own behavior and problem that they created. Love affairs happen for a variety of reasons. An article titled, 9 Facts About Infidelity Couples – and Singles – Should Know by Shana Lebowitz, on Business Insider http://www.businessinsider.com/science-of-cheating-2016-8#-1 indicates some possible reasons why the affairs take place. According to the studies cited, love affairs can often be linked to the financial sustainability of the cheating spouse. For example, when men are breadwinners, specifically when they earn more than 70% of total household income, they are more likely to cheat. The time of the birthday is also cited as a reason why people cheat. The quoted article said, “just before you hit the big 4-0 or 5-0, for example, you have a better chance of trying to make sense of life by having a relationship with someone other than your partner.” The fact is, you can add emotions that take you into a tailspin trying to figure out why.

So what do we do when we stay to pick up the pieces? How can we move on and trust ourselves again and yet imagine a life with someone else after our trust has been violated?

1. Realizing the adventure and the decision to make that decision is entirely up to the other person. Even with couples who are deeply in love, there is an emotion or connection (whether false or not) in another person. Let them live with the consequences. It is not your problem to deal with. Don’t make excuses for them. They broke trust, not you.

2. You now have your own options. You can decide how to live a brighter life without them. The amount of time this takes as your own charge is up to you to decide. You can decide where to spend your time, what goals you want to pursue, and who you would like to spend your time with.

3. Trust yourself enough not to immediately go out and seek revenge by sleeping with someone else. Take the time to collect your thoughts. Take some time to breathe and let the stress slip away. Realize that you came into the relationship with great qualities and you will leave with them.

4. Find some form of stress relief like walking, exercising, reading something positive, or spending time with friends who understand you.

There is little we can do to eliminate pain and rejection, but we can control our perceptions of the meaning of someone else’s affair. Now is the time to see the value in ourselves and know that we can recover. Over time, coping with the situation will become easier and life can take a turn for the better.