Curtains, pancakes and a hockey broom: 12 ways to build self-esteem in children

Few things are as rewarding as seeing your child shine from the inside out. And it happens when children have high self-esteem: when they know they are accepted unconditionally, when they feel loved and lovable, and when they feel a sense of belonging and self-worth.

Here are twelve simple activities that have really made a difference in our family. These are the rituals that I find especially important to stay connected and communicate my love and appreciation for each child.

1. Rely on rituals to help you reconnect. We have such a ritual after each school day. Kids think of it as “after school snack,” but I know it’s so much more than that. It’s a time when they tell me what they like about their day. Try to create this special moment as soon as possible after your day at school. I find that if I wait until later at night to ask them the same open-ended questions, I mostly hear “I don’t remember” and “Everything was fine.” Immediacy is important to us, as is the ability to sit back and listen without offering too much unsolicited advice. Family dinners are another wonderful time to reconnect.

2. Create a special time just for your immediate family. To do this, you may need to set soft limits for neighbors and friends. For example, we have a neighborhood full of very close relationships and no fewer than 14 little kids. When we first moved in, we had kids knocking on our door from sunrise to long after sunset at night. We found that our alone time as a family dwindled by the day, as our youngest children rushed out to play at the first invitation, and the competition of such a fun outdoor world really interrupted the closeness of certain special family moments. It didn’t take long before our family relationship felt the strain, so we chose a symbol that is universally accepted, respected, and throughout the neighborhood: when the shades on our front windows are drawn, the neighborhood kids know we’re having a good time. together as a family. When the curtains open for the day, we welcome the neighborhood kids with open arms. I hope this soft boundary also sends a message to our children that it’s okay (essential, even) to take time for yourself and to nurture relationships with your closest loved ones.

3. Give each child tangible reminders of your love. You could write a note to his son on each birthday, detailing the events of the past year that made him particularly proud and highlighting the traits that make him special. Or keep a jar, box, or journal titled “Things I Love About You” and add notes to it whenever you think of it. Whenever your child feels down, you can spend a few moments with these treasures.

4. Develop a special song or phrase for each of your children. My second son, for example, has always loved the song “You Are My Sunshine,” but part of the song defines the relationship in terms of exclusivity. (“You are my sun, my only sun”). So we had to adapt it for each of the other children. To do this, we substitute a special word for each child and that has become their own special song. My son is Moonshine and my oldest daughter is Starshine. (In case you were wondering, mom is Heartshine and dad is SuperHeroshine. No kidding.) Even as they get older, they love to hear their own special song and they also love to sing it to each other.

5. Use repetitive phrases to teach important life lessons. With my oldest daughter, we are working to help her gain a sense of control over her own emotions. Whenever something comes up, we say these words over and over: “You can’t choose what people do, but you can choose how you react to it.” I have also heard her say it now to her younger brothers. Choose an important lesson that you want to pass on. Then find an easy way to say it and say it often. You might even want to turn it into a little tune.

6. Establish “one on one” time with each child. Try to come up with a shared activity that honors what each of you enjoys. My daughter loves going on a date to Starbucks, just the two of us, to share a Double Chocolate Chip Frappucino. The other likes to go to the library where we each choose special books. The other likes to ride her tricycle through the neighborhood streets with me running alongside her. This doesn’t have to take a long time and can involve an activity you’d be doing anyway. You might even decide to allow a child to go to bed a little later each week to have time alone to talk, read together, or play a card game.

7. Create a safe environment. It has been very important for us to let the children know that it is safe to make mistakes. As someone who has struggled with perfectionism in the past, I know that unconditional acceptance from a family is vital. When your home is a safe place for your children to share their perceived mistakes and failures, as well as their triumphs, it fosters a sense of security and acceptance. You may want to share moments in your own life when you made a mistake (or even those moments when a perceived mistake was actually a blessing). And try to pay close attention to overemphasis on criticizing or correcting your child, as well as overemphasis on criticizing things other people do.

8. Involve your children in household chores. This fosters a sense of personal ownership and responsibility, mutual respect, and a sense of teamwork. There are jobs that children of all ages can do. Maybe it’s setting the table or passing out the napkins. My three-year-old likes to help me sweep the floor, but I suspect he really likes to play broom hockey with the crumbs. At some point, they grow big enough that their efforts to help are really useful. One kid likes to help me make dinner, another likes to help me clean up. We are still working on my son.

9. Make occasions special. Kids love it when we turn off all the lights at dinner and eat by candlelight. It makes them feel appreciated, and we talk about how a simple change in the way we do things can make a difference.

10. Show your passion. I remember as a kid, even if my mom or dad were wrapped up in a chore, I knew they were happy that I was around. The deep roots of self-esteem that come from such knowledge have affected everything I have done since. Even if you’re busy, make sure your enthusiasm shows when your child walks into the room. You don’t have to stop what you’re doing. Simply send them signals, verbal or nonverbal, that you’re happy they’ve arrived.

11. Praise. Much has been said lately about the danger of overpraise a child, and it is certainly important to be careful when praising. You want the child to reward himself internally for a job well done and that he is not constantly looking for a carrot. I’ve recently heard that the most positive kind of praise occurs when you’re praising her personal judgment, and I think that’s very wise. Lots of healthy compliments is a beautiful thing.

12. Reflect often on the beauty (and power) of parenthood. Here’s a ritual from my home: Once my children have fallen asleep for the night, I watch them sleep peacefully for a few moments and think of the happiness they created for me that day. I try to quiet my mind, just for a moment or two, and think how much I adore them. Meditating on this inner knowing, even briefly, can make it easier to be tolerant of those little things all kids do to drive us crazy. It’s also helpful to often think about how fundamental your love will be to your happiness and worldview, both now and in the future.