Do screaming children drive you crazy? Four rules to help you keep your sanity!

I often hear parents say, “I just ignore Jr. when he has a fit or yells.”

While there may be times when this is appropriate, it’s not when Jr. is under 5! Because? Because your child needs to receive training in appropriate and acceptable behavior. Yelling to get your way is not appropriate or acceptable! If your child is yelling to get something, there are reasons why he is doing it, and I warn you, you may not like them.

First, your child has been taught to yell. That’s right, he taught. I know it’s not nice and I know you didn’t do it on purpose, but bear with me… it’s true, you taught him to scream! As babies begin to gain their independence, they develop personal tastes for food, people, their environment, and even situations. In other words, they begin to know what they want in life. The problem? They have a limited number of ways to communicate what they want because they haven’t mastered the language yet. So what do they do? They wave their arms, kick their feet, point, make noise, and when that doesn’t work, they rally and let out a blood-curdling scream. Oh!

What do you do for a living?

Guess what??? Mom comes running and often dad and sister too! So, the child screams more. If they want something else? They scream again. The problem is that if he reacts to this scream by moving faster, he will stop temporarily. It will stop until the child decides that he wants something else. Actually, reacting by moving faster will make the screaming worse! Uff again, right? The child will condition you to move a little faster and then? Then he begins to anticipate the child’s needs so that he does not yell at all. Does the word servant come to mind here? Mistaken! Pretty soon the kid is yelling at everything and sees that it works so much better than the new language he’s learning, so he yells instead of talking! Oh! The next thing you know, mom and dad are yelling at each other to stop yelling. Sounds familiar?

Do you want to know the rules to make the madness stop? (see definition of insanity here)

Rule #1 Don’t ignore it.

This is the number one thing I hear parents say they do. It is your job as a parent to teach and train the child’s own behavior. By ignoring the yelling, the child doesn’t know the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behavior. Children need to know the limits if you want happy, independent and responsible children. Do you see happy people yelling to get their way? Only unhappy adults do that! If you really want your kids to grow up and respect other people (including you), you need to teach them “why” yelling is disrespectful to others. They need the “why” behind the discipline. Train them not to yell and then give them the reason why they shouldn’t yell. Remember to speak at their level. You might say, “Other people don’t want to hear you scream, their ears hurt. You need to learn to control your emotions and make yourself happy. We all need to respect each other’s rights in order to get along.” What you are really doing is teaching them to control themselves. It’s a young lesson in self-control. Mom and dad can ignore the screams and attacks, but does we all have to put up with your kid’s screams? Ignoring is not the answer.

How do you do it?

Now that you know why you should teach your child not to yell, how do you do it? Tell the child in a calm, level voice to stop raising his voice. Put your index finger firmly over his mouth and place it somewhere out of the way. In our home we use the bottom rung of our ladder. The child should sit on the step until he is ready to ask in a friendly voice what he wants. The child is always in control of the time frame. It is his decision to stop yelling and ask nicely. As a parent, you are there for guidance. You’re just making it inconvenient for them to yell. This is an incentive for them to change their own bad behavior and prevents power struggles. If he gets up from the step and is still yelling… take him back and sit him there over and over again until he understands. If he calls your name and asks if he can get up, explain in a pleasant voice that it’s his choice when he gets up and that he can get up when he changes his mind and decides not to yell anymore.

Rule #2 Be consistent.

If you are in a store or public area. Again, put your finger firmly over their mouth and say, “No, you can’t yell, you have to use a nice voice and ask for what you want.” (If the child is too young to talk, consider teaching him the basic signs for politely asking for what he wants. Watch future issues for more on baby signing.) If he continues to yell, stand your ground and discipline him according to the parenting plan he is currently working on. If he hasn’t created his parenting plan, he may not have a course of action for this behavior. I would encourage you to get one. (See our parenting plan, Family by Design) If you don’t have a plan, you’re bound to fall into emotional parenting, and that’s not good for you or your child.

Rule #3 Don’t yell at your child.

Gandhi said it perfectly when he said, be the change you want to see in other people. This is especially true with his children. Be what you want them to be because they will be what you are. Learn to control yourself and your emotions and your children will reflect that back to you.

Rule #4 Never, never, never, EVER give in to yelling.

It is your job as a parent to teach your child to be aware of others around them and to respect their rights. He is not the center of the universe. Please do not treat your child as he is or will be an unhappy adult. If you really love him, teach him to get along with others by teaching him the importance of proper behavior.

The next time you are tempted to ignore yelling, ask yourself: do you like to hear someone else’s child yell to get your way? I do not think so.