How does a stepfather respond to "you are not my daddy"?

“You are not my dad.” How do you respond after investing yourself emotionally, physically, and financially to raise a child that is not yours? Have any of you experienced this? Surprisingly, I’ve never heard this from both of my stepchildren, but I certainly felt there were times when their body language and demeanor communicated the same message.

When my wife and I got married, their two children were 10 and 14 years old. My wife and her ex had joint custody of the children. I imagine hearing this from your stepson is the equivalent of spitting in your face when he is frustrated or angry with you. If he’s a young child or a young man, I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt and not take it personally because they don’t fully understand what they’ve said and how much it can hurt.

But if they are teenagers, they must be held accountable for their actions. Their intentions to defy your authority and hurt you are obvious and represent a clear boundary violation for a stepparent that needs to be addressed. In these circumstances, my response would be, “Yes, I know I’m not your dad. I’m not trying to replace him, but you live in my house. If you want to continue living in my house, you’re going to have to respect and obey me. So what do you do?” it will be?” Also, I would say this with my wife present, so the kids know we’re on the same page about this.

Here are some other answers:

I heard, “You’re not my dad” from my stepdaughter. I tried it once at first with my stepdad. The answer he gave me and the one I used on my own stepdaughter: “You’re right, I’m not your dad. I’m not trying to replace you. I love you and I’m looking out for your best interests.” So you have to do what I tell you.”

I made it clear from the beginning: “No, I’m not your dad, I have no biological obligation to take your shit!”. But under no circumstances would she let him go without addressing him. When they say it, it’s designed to be a challenge to his authority in the home, not just something to hurt his feelings. The point is, since you’re not their birth parent, they don’t really have to listen. The day any child in my household, regardless of age or relationship, decides to tell me, doesn’t have to listen, for ANY reason, is in for a rude awakening. On top of that, I think if your wife/husband listens to this and doesn’t put her son or daughter in check then you have bigger problems.

Some additional considerations:

Consistency between households. If your stepchildren are members of two households, to the extent possible, make sure that you and your wife are on the same page as your stepchildren’s biological father in terms of discipline. This helps avoid the “My dad lets me…” or “My mom lets me…” when they are at the other parent’s house. Communicate bedtimes, homework times, consequences, and concerns about what we will and won’t allow so the rules remain relatively consistent from home to home.

United Front with Wife. Very important: you and your wife must continue to be a united front on child issues. This will be a challenge for most mothers, especially if they were single mothers for a significant period of time before remarrying. This will be a challenge for them because they are used to making and enforcing the rules.

Because they are so used to making the rules, it will probably be difficult for them to step back and allow you to take control of a situation involving your child. Your wife needs to realize that questioning or correcting you in front of her children will undermine your authority and only give them more fuel to take on both sides. Even if you don’t agree, it’s crucial to discuss the topic away from the children.

Remember that this is a Process. It’s not always easy for adults to learn to live with someone, and it can be even more difficult for children who don’t always understand the changing dynamics. Even with a few years of marriage behind her, her stepson will occasionally try to house-shop when they don’t get their way.

Successfully blending a family takes time by conservative estimates of at least seven years. Like marriage, it is a learning process. By trying to remain understanding, keeping the lines of communication open, and being your spouse’s partner in discipline, you can help the transition go more smoothly.

To hear, “You’re not my dad” is like your stepson deciding to go nuclear – it’s an “offensive” weapon used to inflict the highest level of pain and damage. It is used when the child feels threatened and has no more arguments as to why he should not be forced to do or stop doing something.

* Make sure you don’t answer the same way: two wrongs definitely don’t make a right.

* Recognize that your child is right: “You are not his real father.”

* State that as long as you are not his biological father that is not relevant to you because you still care about him and want the best for his life.

Your genuine attention and constant concern will always win out in the end.