How the bragging and assuming factor kills relationships

In the past I have written about what I strongly believe are the three most important indicators of relationship success. Is it so:

1) Expecting the best from the other person (also known as giving the “benefit of the doubt”) until proven otherwise

2) Forgive small complaints quickly (so that the “cumulative effect of all the small things” does not accumulate).

3) Never compare your “partner” to anyone else (especially exes and/or anyone your friends are dating))

All three are of HUGE importance, of course. But today I am going to add a fourth, which is this:

4) Avoid bragging about someone you care about, and never assume they will or won’t do something for you.

Call it the “Presume and Assume Syndrome,” or PAAS for easy reference.

So what exactly am I talking about here?

Well, in the simplest terms, I’m giving you the secret to virtually taking the bitterness out of a relationship between two well-meaning people. And of course, I realize as much as you that the main offenses such as infidelity, alcoholism, etc. causes bitterness. That’s obvious.

But what about those couples who let bitterness creep slowly and quietly into “stealth mode” for months or even years before realizing they’re in its clutches…even when they can’t even describe WHY? I guess PAAS is to blame. PAAS is rooted in basic SELFISHNESS. The idea at play here is that “my wants and needs are important, and it’s my partner’s job to make sure they’re met.” This usually results in an arrogant attitude (at best) or outright disregard (at worst) for the other partner’s wants and needs.

And hey, there may not be any “ill will” here at all. All of this may be happening as a simple result of learned narcissism over the years. Have you ever heard of someone who “settles in their ways” after being single for a while, and it has a negative effect on a relationship? BINGO. All of this may seem like an obvious detriment to a relationship on the surface, but I’m telling you… PAAS can be a LOT more cunning than you think.

Here is a common example. Your girlfriend of a month or so is moving out next weekend. She automatically ASSUMES that you will help her move. And she PRESUMS this about you without even checking what your plans are. In principle, is it okay with you to help her move? Probably. But does it bother you that she didn’t even ask ANYTHING, let alone nicely? And does it disturb you that instead of offering you some kind of favor like a warm “thank you”, she PRESUMES you with the “gift” of joining two or three of her ex-boyfriends on moving day to do the “heavy lifting”? …while talking and laughing on your cell phone all the time?

I think you get the idea. But not so fast… here’s another example.

You have tickets to the big game. Do you tell your girlfriend you have a “cool surprise” for her on Saturday night and drag her out even though you’ve been pretty clear about her aversion to watching her sports? Then you meet a couple of friends in the arena and ignore her for most of the game, except for that one time you jump out of her and accidentally pour beer on her? AND THEN, when your team loses on her buzzer, you’re a kook for the rest of the night… taking it out on her?

You got it: Presume and Assume Syndrome. We, as guys, are not immune. EVERYONE, it seems, has a lot of capacity in the context of a relationship for self-centered thinking that goes a little too far.

Our intentions aren’t necessarily bad, it’s just that all of us can get a little careless…or make it NOT INTENSE. What is the cure?

Well here’s the good news. Simply turning on the lights and RECOGNIZING how PAAS works will go a long way toward helping you avoid it. Similarly, you will be able to REPORT assumptions and assumptions on the spot and address them with a woman, instead of letting them build up and simmer over time.

As you can see, this little bit of wisdom will prove IMMENSELY VALUABLE to you as a relationship manager…starting RIGHT NOW. But what about the “dark side” of PAAS?

So far in this article I have been operating under the assumption that you are dating a woman who means “well”. In other words, she has no obsessions with men in general and no aversion to simply wanting to be happy. I’d be sick, though, if I didn’t share with you some VERY SIGNIFICANT warning signs that you’re with the WRONG WOMAN… all based on PAAS indicators.

As a prime example, consider a woman whose attitude is that “all men are equal,” in the negative sense. She can live life ASSUMPTING that you will cheat on her, even when you don’t mean to.

Also, she can PRESUME on you the need to share her misery in the form of extreme jealousy. You know, wondering where you are all the time and possibly even littering your life with empty loads. If you tolerate this for too long, you may begin to feel an increasing bitterness towards this woman…as if you were wrongly convicted of a crime she didn’t commit.

You may even come to think that you could also cheat on her. After all, you are “paying the price” in your relationship with her no matter what. But if you really did cheat, all you’d be doing is VALIDATING her assumptions AND her assumptions.

Surprisingly, as twisted as it sounds, actually raping her as such can make her feel BETTER. In a very real sense, you will have lifted a cloud of GUILT from her for treating you the way he has treated her without her having hard evidence to back it up. So her validation of her PAAS actually closes the loop psychologically for her. Now she feels that harassing you was JUSTIFIED and that it was the RIGHT THING to do.

Similarly, a woman, for whatever reason, may have low enough self-esteem that she feels she deserves to be punished. As crazy as it sounds, yesterday I was on the phone with one of you who recently ran away from a relationship with such a woman. Maybe you can relate.

Again, there may be nothing but PURE INTENTIONS on your part if you are with a woman like that. You can be (as you SHOULD be) programmed to NEVER, EVER move a finger to physically harm a woman. However, it is as if the woman is RELENTLESS in instigating you to lash out at her physically. Sooner rather than later, learn every “hot spot” you have.

As a result, you may allow yourself to get into emotionally charged arguments with her. And when the heat has “turned up a bit,” he might stick a finger in your face and start barking orders at you. This measure of disrespect would, of course, result in a bar fight 100% of the time if another guy played that card.

And not grabbing that finger and cleaning it may be the GREATEST TEST of discipline you’ve ever faced. But it will be better not. Because not only will you call the police and get yourself arrested on assault and battery charges, but you will also have PROVIDED their ASSUMPTIONS that you would physically assault her and their ASSUMPTION of you creating that precarious position to begin with.

You may simply see the stories I just shared as nothing more than a “self-fulfilling prophecy” in the making. But remember: the premise behind both is based on having SOLID INTENTIONS from the beginning.

Again, what I’m talking about is gender specific? Of course not. Welcome to why it SEEMS to you that “Idiot/Jerks” (“I/Js”) get all the women. But check with those guys a few years later and see how HAPPY they or their girlfriends/wives are.

I’ll tell you what, reading again what I just shared with you, I realize that I threw some SPOILER things at you today. But remember… this is all about 20/20 FORECAST. The point is to SAVE YOU FROM THESE DISCOMFORT NOW.

And at the very least, you are probably thinking now more than ever that choosing THE RIGHT WOMAN is ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY, one of the most CRUCIAL decisions of your life.