Love bombing and narcissistic attachment

Getting hit by a love bomb feels glorious! The prodigious attention and affection seems to answer our prayers. We’ve found Mr. or Mrs. Right: your soul mate; without suspecting that we have been attacked by a narcissist. The bomber abruptly changes color and loses interest, and our dream collapses. Rejection is unbearable, especially at the height of romance. It is a traumatic shock to our heart. We feel cheated, betrayed and abandoned. We are confused and trying to make sense of the nightmare that was once a dream. What we thought was real was in fact a mirage. We search for answers, doubt and blame ourselves, often losing confidence in ourselves and the opposite sex.

Sometimes partners are tricked by their missing suitor, dumped by text, email, or call. If they are rejected in person, they are taken aback by the coldness of the narcissist, who recently expressed his love for her and promised an amazing future together. They may discover that they have been dumped by a new prospect, cheated on, or cheated on all along. It’s devastating and it can be hard to let go, because all your memories are happy and wonderful. It takes time to accept the truth of who the attacker really was. It protects the victims from the painful truth that the relationship was not what they imagined.

Love bombing and narcissistic offer

Research shows that love bombers have low self-esteem and are often narcissistic; although not all narcissists are love bombers, and some non-narcissists are. Despite a facade of confidence and independence, narcissists feel insecure and empty. They need constant reassurance or “narcissistic supply” from those around them, but, like vampires, it is never enough to fill their void or satisfy their hunger. More than trust, they actually fear being undesirable. Their sense of self is determined by what others think of them, they try to control what others think in order to feel better about themselves. Thus, love bombing is a means of seeking attention, boosting your ego, and satisfying self-improvement needs for sex, power, and control. When they are down, have suffered a loss, or are disenchanted with their latest conquest, they look for new narcissistic supplies.

Many narcissists engage in seduction, play games, and use relationships to better themselves. Dating is intense and they move fast. The attention can be dizzyingly exciting for the recipient. There is often over-communication, reflecting the attackers’ need for assertion, often via text or social media, where they can exert more control from a distance.

Idealization and devaluation

For a narcissist, it is not enough to be liked or appreciated. He only counts when the other person has highly valued status or qualities, such as wealth, beauty, special talents, power, celebrity, or genius. Narcissists idealize potential partners to increase their own lack of self-esteem. The thought is: “If I can win the admiration of this very attractive person, then I must be worthy.”

As reality creeps into the relationship, they discover their partner is inadequate or fear their flawed, empty selves will be revealed as expectations of emotional intimacy rise. Any slight or imagined crack in the ideal image of your partner feels painful. As the narcissists’ view of their perfect match deteriorates, their hidden shame causes more and more discomfort. They in turn project this onto their partner, whom they criticize and devalue. This is particularly true in the case of perfectionist narcissists. When your partner’s glow fades, he or she no longer provides a satisfying object to boost your self-esteem. They discard their partner and look elsewhere for a new source of narcissistic supply. When relationships with narcissists last, the couple feels exhausted, hurt, resentful and alone. Lack of respect and lack of caring damage your self-esteem over time.

attachment styles

Narcissists have insecure attachment styles that are avoidant or anxious, or some combination. People with insecure attachment styles feel a basic insecurity stemming from relationships with primary caregivers. They doubt the trustworthiness of others to meet their emotional needs and base their self-esteem on the behavior and responses of others. One showed that people with an insecure attachment style were more likely to engage in love bombing.

codependent partners

Most codependents also have low self-esteem and insecure attachment styles and seek relationships to validate their worth. His unconscious belief is: “If I am loved, then I must be kind.” Although some codependents may behave in ways that make them appear needy and insecure, narcissists hide their neediness and act self-assured, in control, proud and even conceited, like a male peacock flaunting his feathers. For insecure codependents, this screen is very attractive. They are impressed and attracted by the traits they wish they had. They also idealize narcissists, who absorb their admiration. Narcissists are skilled and charming communicators, adept at making people admire and appreciate them. Both narcissists and codependents can adapt to the tastes and needs of others, but for the narcissist it is a seduction tactic; for the codependent pleaser, it’s a way of relating and their personality style.

When codependents experience love bombing, their low self-esteem also increases. They finally feel seen and appreciated, unlike their childhood. They imagine a future free from their inner emptiness and loneliness with this ideal partner who will always love them. In the initial phase of mutual admiration, they overlook or fail to see differences or potential problems.

Solutions

The good news is that we can change our attachment style. In the meantime, it’s important to go slow on dates. Rushed intimacy doesn’t rush love, just our attachment. It is an attempt to satisfy personal psychological needs. It takes time to get to know someone. This is how trust and love grow in a healthy relationship. Mature daters will not use undue seduction or charm or make premature promises or expressions of love. They take the time to date someone to assess if someone will be a good long-term match, and they don’t want to disappoint or hurt them.

Stay connected with your body and your feelings. In the heat of a new romance, ask yourself if your “excitement” isn’t really rejection anxiety and uncertain hope about a bright future. Do you feel free to be open and honest and set limits, or are you walking on eggshells? Are you complying to please your partner? In other words, can you be authentic, say “no” and express negative feelings? That usually takes time and trust. Codependents often think, “I trust people until they give me a reason not to.” Mature people know that trust must be earned. Love bombers lie, but it takes time to figure this out.

Watch and listen to how your date treats and talks about others and your ex. Do you shower yourself with praise, but order, blame, or put other people down? Your date may one day treat you that way.

©DarleneLancer 2018