My husband acts like a brother to me: how can I bring back his intimacy and passion? Information to help

I get a lot of mail from wives who describe their relationship with their husband as “roommates” or “siblings.” They will usually use phrases like: “we just coexist but there is no more loving behavior.” Another common phrase is something like: “He doesn’t look at me like a man who loves a woman. He looks right through me and acts a little annoyed by my presence. He gives his friends more time and attention than his own.” “. wife.” However, “we are not rude or angry at each other, but the relationship is like between a brother, sister, or other family member rather than people who are husband and wife.”

Usually this party shares the same theme. Intimacy and closeness have been replaced by familiarity and complacency. This is not entirely unusual and does not mean that you no longer love each other or that the passion and spark are gone forever. What it usually means is that there have been some changes in the way time is spent and priorities are set. Sometimes this is more a reflection of societal norms and pressures than how you feel about your spouse. I will discuss more about this matter in the following article.

Losing the passion in a marriage does not necessarily mean that the underlying feelings have disappeared: People too often make these false assumptions and allow it to perpetuate what might otherwise have been just a rough patch in the marriage that passed relatively quickly. People sometimes panic when this change comes and assume that their spouse no longer finds them attractive or lovable. This is often totally inaccurate.

In fact, often all it takes is changing the way marital time is spent and rearranging your priorities to nurture and intensify the relationship (similar to how you did at the beginning of the relationship). Often, in the beginning, the feelings were, unsurprisingly, directly related to the time and effort that was put into them. What is often required is changing the behavior that is giving you what you don’t want to the behavior that is more likely to give you what you want (even if it means that you are the one making the efforts in the beginning).

How Lack of Spousal Time and Focused Efforts Negatively Contribute to “The Spark” Leaving Your Marriage: Often when I ask people what they think is behind the chemistry or “spark” that their marriage leaves behind, I get very similar answers, no matter which spouse is giving those answers. Usually, they both say things like “we drifted apart,” or “one of us has changed,” or “the feelings have just gone out of our marriage.” And all of these things can feel absolutely true. But it is very important to understand that there is a reason for these truths and that circumstances can change to change the outcome.

You can start by asking yourself how much time is spent each week building the relationship. I don’t mean sitting next to each other and watching the evening news or attending your kids’ activity together. Sure, these things are part of married life (especially with busy parents), but they do nothing to reinforce those intimate feelings. What I’m talking about is the things that put a big smile on your face as you headed toward marriage. These are the things that reinforce feelings you probably still have.

People often fail to see that the feelings between two people are very often the direct result of BOTH the quality and quantity of efforts that are put into it. It’s not enough to say “well, we’re together all the time, but we’re sitting next to each other.” You have to be very active about it. The truth is, it’s highly unrealistic to think that you can just live easy in your marriage, and yet almost all of us do and then scratch our heads and act very disappointed when feelings inevitably follow lack of effort.

Sometimes you will need to be the spouse who takes the lead if you want to bring the passion back into your marriage: This is what I see happening quite a bit. Many people know that they have to change things to get different and more favorable results. But, they can try something and feel rejected or feel vulnerable and then they will shut down because they feel rejected. They’ll start asking questions like “well why do I have to expose myself when he’s sitting there like a lump on a log?”

The answer is that you have to because if you don’t then it is possible that no one will and the distance between you will keep getting further and further apart. It is much better to act now, even if you feel strange, vulnerable and scary to prevent further damage. And you may have to accept that it will take a while before you get the results you want.

You don’t have to do something that makes you feel uncomfortable or that you find unpleasant. Just start by bringing back some of the activities you used to enjoy together. Take your focus away from things that aren’t as important to your quality of life and spend the resulting free time on your marriage. This can mean simple and inexpensive things like taking a walk after dinner or making time to really talk and listen. It can mean taking back hobbies that used to bring you closer and that you gave up a long time ago. It doesn’t have to cost a lot of money or take tons of time. It just has to be nice and generate a feeling of association.

Many people assume that a lack of passion is solely due to attraction and chemistry. This is only partially true. If you feel close and attached to your spouse, passionate feelings will follow naturally. Your brain is as much a part of passion as other parts of your body. It’s not all sex. It’s as much about feeling loved, feeling understood, and feeling valuable enough to make and receive a decent effort.