The phases of friendship

“Be courteous to all, but be intimate with a few, and let those few be tested before you trust them. True friendship is a slow-growing plant, and it must suffer and withstand the blows of adversity before it is entitled. to the denomination. ”

– George Washington (first president of the United States)

There are two phases in a friendship or relationship. There is the interest phase in which something about a person has piqued your interest. Then there is the bonding phase.

The phase of interest is characterized by some commonalities. Things are light and fun. You delight in common experiences or share a common interest. In a way, it reminds you of the honeymoon phase of a marriage. You enjoy how you feel when you are with the other person. Whatever its warmth and fuzzy look, this is the phase. “He understood me.” “She believes in my dream.”

The bonding phase is the most revealing phase. It is the developer. In a sense, the person allows you to see who they really are. Differences, disappointments, and conflicts are the tools of the bonding phase. The man who understood you when you talked about someone else is now remote and doesn’t want to talk when it comes to a problem you have with him. The woman who once believed in your dream now complains that she never sees you.

Although most would agree that the bonding phase is essential, it is the most difficult to navigate. Why is so difficult? Perhaps there is a part of us held back since childhood that prefers fantasy to reality, daydreaming to work, romance to love. Sure, children live to play, but have you ever seen children together? They sure laugh, giggle, and play games, but it’s all on and off with bumps, bruises, and disagreements. The same boy who limps into the house crying because his friend pushed him, rushes back outside to resume play once his boo has been kissed and bandaged.

For me, college was where the true bond happened. It was not something that any of us did consciously. We just shared our lives together for those four years. We shared food, challenges, disagreements, betrayals, but when all was said and done, we still clung to each other. Maybe it was because we needed a family unit since we were all hundreds of miles from home. I do not know. All I know is that I still have those friends to this day. My college roommate is still someone I can go months with without speaking, then with a conversation the bond is renewed. And although it has been marriages, children and a lifetime of experiences in between, there is that knowledge, that trust, that safe place where my heart rests.

It takes time to bond. No matter how nostalgic you feel during the interest phase, one cannot skip this. You may feel like you’ve found a special friend within moments of sharing common experiences and similar values. They could enjoy each other’s company and be, as Forest Gump puts it, “like peas and carrots.” Regardless, once the novelty wears off, there is a big disagreement and / or familiarity is established, it becomes more revealing whether your “friendship” will remain interested or can maintain a true bond.

As life tests your friendship, there are some tricks. FOR gimmy it is a concession for the simple fact of being human. The first time you and your friend have an intense disagreement, no one will feel good about the other. You must take that into account. Nobody likes to hear criticism or that someone has been offended. Even the most loving or evolved soul feels this tightness in the stomach when someone points out a fault.

However, all things considered, Maya Angelou says it is better, “if a person tells you who they are, believe him.” If he tells you that he loves his job, believe him. If he tells you that he is not interested in settling down, believe him. Now, in the interest phase, you listen but you don’t listen. You see but you don’t see. A person can tell you something about himself and it goes through one ear and out the other. I have been hurt many times because I did not believe what someone told me or showed me about themselves.

So how do you know if your friendship is based on interests or has the potential to create a deeper bond? Here is my list:

o This friendship motivates me to be the best that I can be.

o My friend and I seek to resolve conflicts, not avoid them.

o We are both equally interested in friendship.

o My friend supports me (watches over my best interest).

o Friendship promotes equality. You are not assuming a parent, rescuer, or facilitator role.

o Despite the appearance of my flaws, weaknesses and weaknesses, my friend still considers me valuable and worthy of respect and dignity.

o My friend and I can be vulnerable and not feel violated or devalued later.

o I am welcome in my friend’s world.

As I mature, I realize that every friendship is not meant to be a deep and lasting bond. However, if you choose wisely and approach each relationship as an opportunity to learn more about yourself, you will find treasure in each phase.