Why love can fade: the stages of a relationship

Several key stages can be recognized in any relationship. To solve any relationship problem it is essential to know what stage you are in. For more details and practical ways to navigate each stage, please visit my website, see below.

Level 1 The honeymoon

The first stage of any romantic relationship is when we fall in love. Our initial attraction to someone quickly grows to the point where we feel delicious feelings of connection and love. It seems that we have found the love of our life and we will not hesitate to believe that this relationship will last forever. The honeymoon stage is a wonderful life experience and shows the potential of the relationship for love and joy.

We may be tempted to make long-term commitments at this stage without really knowing our partner. This in itself is not a problem, as long as we recognize that the most challenging stages of the relationship are likely to come and we are willing to deal with any issues that arise.

Falling in love with someone is the most beautiful experience in life and one to fully enjoy! However, be prepared for more challenging times as the relationship develops. Don’t panic when this happens: stay with your partner and try to solve the problems described in the next two steps. Always remember the feelings you have at this stage; you can always meet them again in the future if you commit to building a better relationship.

Stage 2 The struggle for power

For most relationships honeymoon stage it eventually ends, usually after six months to a year. We begin to see aspects of our partner that make us feel uncomfortable. They may react to situations differently from us, act in ways that are difficult for us, or begin to lose interest in us. During the honeymoon stage, we and our partner deliberately (albeit unconsciously) hide the negative aspects of our personality and behavior and focus on giving and receiving love. As we become familiar with and grow closer to our partner, negative traits are revealed. This can be a big disappointment because we realize that they are not as perfect as we thought, worse yet, they think the same of us! The feeling of discomfort causes each partner to withdraw and this creates a vicious cycle and a damaging pattern for the relationship.

Some of us will act out our struggle for power through arguments and fights, while others will use much more subtle forms of competition, such as withdrawal and sulking. You’ll know you’ve entered the power struggle if you feel anything less than true love for your partner! We might start to doubt if our partner is really the right one for us and if this continues we may choose to end the relationship or find out that our partner is leaving us. This is often too early to make such a decision. As amazing as it may seem, the very traits that we find so undesirable in our partner are the same that we have not been able to handle in our own minds, which is why they annoy or disturb us so much. In the struggle for power, it is not uncommon to see negative personality traits in our partner that we associate with our parents. The bad news is that we have these traits too, but the good news is that with the help of our partners we can deal with them!

The important thing to keep in mind at the power struggle stage is that both partners are competing to see who will meet the emotional needs of the other. We chose our partner because we believed that he would take care of our unmet needs since childhood and now we find that, not only does he not, but he has exactly the same needs as us. We are disappointed and so are they: this is the key to overcoming the painful stage of the struggle for power. Acknowledge that it is your shared sense of unmet needs, a feeling of being emotionally incomplete that is causing you to have differences. The power struggle is, in fact, an opportunity to heal your insecurities and fears and build a better relationship. The power struggle tends to distance us from our partner both physically and emotionally. Therefore, we must have the courage to move towards them and express our feelings no matter how painful they may seem. If this is done lovingly and sensitively (ie, talking about and owning your own feelings, not imposing them on your partner or judging them), your partner will feel safe to express their own emotions. Soon you will discover that you have reconnected and start another stage of honeymoon!

Stage 3 the death zone

If we can’t resolve our shared issues that cause power struggles, a relationship can still survive, but at a cost. The relationship will gradually sink into what has been called the Dead Zone. This is a time when we can get bored with our partner and with life in general. They may be buried in work or a hobby and have little interest in us. At the heart of the Dead Zone is emotional withdrawal and dissociation.

In the Dead Zone a relationship loses its sense of connection and feelings of love. Love can remain an idea rather than a feeling: you’ll know you love someone, but the emotion has lost the delicious sensations you experienced when you first fell in love. We master our emotions at this stage because we are afraid to deal with the fears and negative feelings that might arise if we were to communicate our insecurities to our partner. We are afraid that they would not love us, think poorly of us, and even abandon us if we were totally honest about how we felt about the relationship and about ourselves. Unfortunately, we are largely unaware of these feelings as they are hidden in the unconscious mind.

Both the power struggle and the dead zone that often follows are caused by the fear of intimacy, one of our biggest repressed fears. We fear that if our partner gets too close to us emotionally, he will see aspects of our personality that would cause him to reject us. Paradoxically, our fears and behaviors around this issue make it much more likely that they will abandon us. The key to getting out of the dead zone is to make a commitment to your partner to move toward her emotionally so that you can once again feel and share her full spectrum of emotions. It is not feeling emotions that destroys relationships and robs us of the joys of life. Although sharing fears and insecurities in an honest way with a partner, especially after many years together, can be scary, it will always lead to greater honesty and love in a relationship. As your hearts open up again, you will become much more emotionally aware and healing will happen automatically. You will once again begin to feel those powerful feelings of love that brought you together in the first place.

Stage 4 Partnership and true love

Partnership is a relationship based on love, communication and trust. If you’ve ever fallen in love, you already know what a relationship feels like. Imagine a long-term relationship feeling like those first heady days! This is not a dream, it can be yours if you are willing to work with your partner on the emotional issues that are driving you apart from each other. By always choosing to move toward your partner with a feeling of love and compassion, even when they are hurting or misbehaving, you allow the insecurities and fears you both have to surface to heal. You may have to do this over and over again as many layers of pain arise from deep within your mind, but each time you will experience a new honeymoon stage.

Even if you find yourself back in the power struggle or dead zone from time to time, your growing confidence in working with your partner on your issues and the wonderful feelings that come from rediscovering true intimacy will give you the incentive to keep going. Relationships are rarely fairy tales: we must be willing to continually work on them. If we have the courage to do it, the reward is assured. Remember: if you feel negative feelings or difficulties in your relationship, always approach her partner and join her with feelings of forgiveness, love and compassion; do it with an open heart and you will never fail.

Acknowledgment: The stages described here are adapted from the relationship model originally developed by Susan Campbell in her book “The Couple’s Journey” and developed by Dr. Chuck Spezzano.