Words have no meaning until you give them to them

You hear the word “alcoholism” and react emotionlessly when you say it’s a disease that can have sad side effects. Your friend reacts passionately whenever the subject is brought up.

Share strong and definitive opinions when discussing pay inequalities for women. Your friend dispassionately accepts that he is unlucky.

Words have no meaning. They are the symbols used by the sender to express thoughts, beliefs and ideas and intonation is affected by their background, values, experiences, behavioral style and knowledge. The receiver uses the same criteria to interpret the words. That’s why the sender doesn’t always get the expected response or the same response from two people.

This is one of the principles of communication that makes the process difficult at work and at home.

In the first example, your friend still vividly remembers how his alcoholic father left when he was eight years old. He also remembers how his mother worked two jobs to pay the rent on her small apartment and how his sister was the only one home with him most of the time. You, on the other hand, have never personally experienced the disease with family or friends.

However, as a woman, she has personally experienced pay inequities and now sees her daughter continue to experience the same. She makes you angry! Her friend is a well-paid single lawyer and her sister lives a comfortable life as a mother and homemaker. Her mother worked as a cleaning woman and in a restaurant, so she believes she was paid fairly for what she did. She has never given much thought to gender-equitable wages.

As these examples show, different people can react emotionally or intellectually to the same words. Sometimes, as the sender, you try to get people to respond more intellectually or more emotionally, depending on the purpose of the communication. What catches you off guard is when you think you’ve chosen your words carefully and your audience of one or a hundred reacts differently.
The sender and receiver are equally responsible for trying to make the communication process work. Here are some tips to help you in both roles.

Tips for the sender

· Deliberately avoid discriminatory language in the areas of gender, race, religion and age.

· Listen carefully with your ears and eyes. Become an astute student of body language and watch for furrowed brows, crossed arms or legs, and other signs that you may have upset the other person(s).

· If you make a presentation to an association or company, do your research! Ask if there are any topics or words that are taboo.

Advice for the receiver,

If possible, clear the air immediately if a word or words trouble you. If you harbor anger, resentment, hurt, or confusion, it will cloud the rest of the interaction and maybe even future ones.

o During one of my DiSC-based communication workshops, I divided participants into groups and asked them to list the good qualities of other behavioral styles. One of the groups used the word “robotics” in what he thought was a form of politeness. The people being described found the word unfavorable. Working together, they came up with “structured,” which everyone liked.

o In another workshop exercise that required participants to think of words they commonly use that might be perceived differently than they intended, a man shared the following story. He is a computer trainer and said that he started a class saying, “Today, you will receive the bible of all computer training.” One of his assistants immediately said, “I know only one Bible, and it’s not about computers.” The man admitted that he was shocked and is much more careful in his choice of words today.

· Keep your personal filters clean.

o Make a list of your prejudices and work to overcome them. Ask yourself if they are based on race, gender, religion, age, status, educational background, or other.

o Form your opinion on the spot. Don’t prejudge situations, presenters, your co-workers, or the reactions of parents or children, a book before you read it, or the taste of food before you eat it.

o Be proactive. Read books and magazines, attend seminars, listen to CDs, watch selected TV shows to help you grow personally and professionally.

· Listen carefully to everything the other person has to say, even when you disagree.

· Wait to speak until the other person has finished.